Jan 18 min read

Mondays With Mullane ep24 - The Redundant Royal Family

The British Royal Family. I watched the TV news a few days ago. Why do TV Networks think the royals are newsworthy? King Charles, Camilla, William, Kate, Randy Andy, Sarah Ferguson, and the rest of the decayed, defective, debilitated, and deviated Royal Family attended a church service on what looked like a bitterly cold day. Crowds of patient peasants were waiting to get a glimpse of these Demi-Gods. The people thrusting flowers at the Royal's oohs and ahhs, the frenzied masses calling out their names resembling a bunch of hysterical girls at a rock concert. Or a bevy of lesbians at a beaver banquet.

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I wondered why this unwarranted adulation. Are the royals imbued with superpowers? Can they heal the sick? Have they achieved groundbreaking scientific discoveries? Have the royals accomplished incredible sporting feats? The answer is no. Their only achievement is to be born into a position of power and wealth or marry into power and wealth. Current wealth is estimated at 28 billion pounds. Mostly plundered and pillaged from around the world and sucked unmercifully from former colonies.

Is the Royal Family philanthropic? During the Irish famine, two million Irish died of starvation while crops were still shipped to England. Queen Victoria donated 200 pounds to the Irish famine relief fund. Queen Victoria also donated 400 pounds to a dog's home.

I won't go back centuries into Royal history. You could get fucked in the head; well, plenty did. Hundreds of years of inbreeding have created retarded royals with numerous mental issues as a result of cousins marrying. Many members of the Royal Family were locked away in mental institutions, out of sight, out of mind. In the current Royal Family, the dysfunctional relatives must warrant a dishonourable mention. Edward V111 abdicated the throne to marry Wallace Simpson, a divorced Yank not blessed with beauty. She must've been a fabulous fuck. Edward was also fond of the Austrian-German dictator, Adolf Hitler. He secretly hoped the Austrian upstart would win the war and restore him to the throne. Prince Harry also has a fond fetish for nazi uniforms.

The Quen Mother, who lived to 101 before the 2nd WW, made anti-semitic remarks and stated black Africans are incapable of governing themselves.

Charles's uncle, Lord Mountbatten, was nicknamed Lord Mountbottom. Question: what do you call an object flying over the Irish Sea? Answer: Lord Mountbottom's thong. While Lord Mountbottom was fucking boys, his wife's criteria for a stray fuck was male and alive. She possessed a predilection for Hindu hired help. You could say she was fond of curry munchers as long as they did the munching; the hotter, the better.

Princess Margret drank and smoked herself to death. Living on the Caribean Island of St Kits, she tried black and never went back. Princess Margaret had an ignominious end. Princess Anne's love of horses is legendary. Edward, the youngest of Queen Elizabeth's children, has strong rumours he bats for the other side.

Now the black sheep of the family, no, not Meaghan Markle, Randy Andy. Andy did the most cringe-worthy TV interview ever, a catastrophic train wreck. Randy Andy described Geoffrey Epstein's sexual escapades with pre-pubescent girls as unbecoming. Epstein was a fucking pedophile, takes one to know one. The queen must have viewed Andy's interview with dismay. "Shut up, Andy, you fucking moron." So Randy Andy's illegal fuck must go down as possibly the most expensive fuck in history, $24 million. However, Andy claims he never met the girl. It shows the benevolent nature of the royals. Andy wanted to help the poor girl. Well, she isn't poor now. Randy Andy also mingled with nefarious dickheads and despots, including Colonel Gadaffi. Andy worked tirelessly to achieve the release of the Lockerbie bomber, and he succeeded. Randy Andy also possessed a teddy bear fetish, and his servants would be punished and abused if his fury friends weren't displayed on his bed, as per the photo he supplied them with.

Andy's ex-wife Sarah Fergusson is a frumpy fat figure of fun fond of being topless and having her toes sucked. Fergie is also entrepreneurial, arranging access to her royal ex-husband for 500,000 pounds. Fergie was also an ambassador for Weight Watchers, and she featured prominently in the before commercials.

Charles, unlike his sibling, Andy, who prefers underage undersized illegal pussy Charles likes granny fanny. Charles divorced Diana to marry Camilla. Diana was fond of fucking; no other way to say it. The only ones not fucking Diana were Elton John, Stephen Fry, and, of course, Charles. Diana predicted her demise in a car accident. Diana and her boyfriend, Dodi Al Fayed, were killed in Paris, the city of love. Can you imagine the British government's establishment and MI5 allowing the possibility of an Arab Muslim being the stepfather to the future king of England? Nor can I. Rumour was Phil The Greek arranged the accident. One of the Duke's sycophant secret service agents sympathised with the Duke, "So sorry to hear of Diana's death." The Duke replied, "Shut the fuck up, it's not till tonight."

Charles championed some wacky ideas, such as coffee enemas. Charles's personal assistant would ask, "Your Royal Highness, coffee time. Is your Royal Highness going to have your coffee orally or analy?" Charles also talked to the trees. When asked about this practice, Charles replied, "It's the most intelligent conversation I have daily." Charles copped a lot of negative publicity over Diana's death. Charles was driving into Buckingham Palace in the Range Rover with so much on his mind he inadvertently ran over the queen's favourite corgi.

Charles got out, distraught at the sight of the squashed canine. Charles shouted, "God, dear God, help me." Charles heard a deep, resonating voice, "Charles, it is I, God; what can I do for you, my son?" Charles replied, "Dear God, Mummy's favourite puppy, can you please bring him back to life?" God looked at the dead dog and stated, "Charles, there are some things beyond God. However, you are experiencing hard times; I'll grant you another request." Charles asked, "Dear God, could you make Camilla Parker Bowles beautiful?" God sighed, "fuck let's have another look at the corgi."

Charles married Camila. Camila gives hope to the thousands of ugly divorced women who start as a bit on the side; there's a possibility of meeting a prince and becoming a queen as if Britain needs any more queens. Charles's sons, Prince William, nicknamed Big Willy, and Harry Major Hewitt's son. Poor Harry, when he was a young boy, he'd wake up with bald patches on his scalp; the royals were cutting his hair for DNA testing.

Prince William married the almost ideal wife to enter the Royal Family. Kate is a white protestant virgin; the only negative was they weren't related. They have three precocious children who beam the fact, look at me; I'm fucking special, you peasants. Britain, by the year 2047, it's predicted white Christians will be a minority. Thus narrowing the field of selection, particularly the virgin criteria.

Major Hewitt's son, the rebellious Harry. Harry knew he was an outcast, so he planned and plotted a way to embarrass the Royal Family. Harry told the queen of his future bride-to-be, "Granny, this is the 21st century, and we've discussed how the Royal Family should become more inclusive." Queen Elizabeth, "Yes, Harold, diversity is the way to go; get to the point." Harry, "Well, Granny, I'm going to marry an American black woman older than me; she is a divorced, Catholic, and an actress." After the queen recovered her composure and gulped down two large gins, Queen Elizabeth shouted to Harry, "Not that fucking diverse." Harry and Meaghan nicknamed the Ginger and the Whinger.

Randy Andy, Big Willy, and Harry served as helicopter pilots in the British armed forces. Andy, as a result of witnessing actions in the Falklands War, suffered PTSD and lost the ability to sweat. Harry boasted about mowing down Afghanis from his helicopter with a machine gun—a royal hunting party. It sure beats fox hunting.

The Royal Family live in palaces and are waited on hand and foot by an army of servile servants. I always wondered whether they wipe their own arse. How about a wank, "I say, Jeeves, could you possibly take care of my erection? That's a good chappie." Billions are spent on these privileged parasites by British taxpayers to maintain a life of extravagant, decadent, indulgent luxury. Meanwhile, some British citizens are homeless.

The Royal arse lickers, the mad monarchists will give you the argument, but they do some charity work. Being a patron of a charity is not fucking work. Jimmy Saville and Rolf Harris did charity work. Cutting the ribbon on a new road or smashing a bottle of Champagne on a new ship does not qualify as work. I felt sorry for the Queen and Duke; however, visiting third-world shitholes that are part of the commonwealth must be fucking tiring and boring. The Queen to Phil the Greek, "If I see one more native dance, I'll Scream." Phil the Greek, "I like looking at their tits." The subservient royal worshippers also say the Royals bring tourists to Britain. Seriously, France and Italy both attract more tourists. Who'd want to travel to Britain to glimpse Charles or Camilla, two senile senior citizens?

In 1955, all school kids in Sydney were bused to see the newly crowned queen's first visit to Australia. We stood in the sun for hours to watch this woman flash past, giving the royal wave. The then-Australian anthem, God Save The Queen, was played at the movies. Everyone stood except me. When we sang God Save the Queen at school, I sang God Save the Courageous Cat, Feed Him on Bread and Fat, God Save the Courageous Cat.

In bat shit bonkers Britain to be inclusive. The woke wankers want to change the anthem from God Save the King to God Save the Thing, non-binary pronouns. So, in summary, these current royals are descendants of their Kraut ancestors. The Royal Family's real name is Saxe-Coburg-Gotha. After the 1st WW, Germans weren't popular, a fucking understatement, so they Anglicised their name to Windsor. After the queen married Phil the Greek. Prince Phillip was Danish but heir to the Greek throne. The Greeks were smart enough to dethrone the Royal Family, and Greece became a republic. Phil the Greek was without a country or a throne, so he married Elizabeth and scored both. Their family name became Mountbatten-Windsor.

Now, I wish no harm to the royals they inflict enough on themselves. My point is the royals are a dysfunctional family like any other. They are human and have no unique talents. The big difference is they have power and money without effort. However, in the 21st Century, they are an anachronism, inbred parasites, and redundant relics of past glories. The sooner we change to a republic, the better. Why cling to an ancient undemocratic practice? A monarchy today is like a black-and-white non-smart TV. Bring on a referendum; just don't put Anthony Albanese in charge of organising it. Airbus Albo would fuck it up.